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“Life is where I put my attention.” I read that statement in a book by Richard Bach many years ago and I still reflect on it daily. It carries such power and resonance!

If we want to change our life, to improve our relationship with our child or anyone else, all we have to do is shift our attention. Sounds simple doesn’t it? I thought so – and boy was I surprised! Shifting attention means changing deeply engrained patterns of thought and behavior. I am continually noticing thoughts and emotions and re-directing my life energy…

If you’re like many of us, you may find that you focus much of your attention on your child’s acting out behavior… not just at the moment of acting out, but in your mind later… thinking about it and getting all riled up about it again and again. Many parents write horror novels inside their head about what will happen if they can’t stop the behavior. Then of course, they are ready to blow their stack at the least provocation from their child, giving him intense attention for acting out – and they unwittingly end up creating more of the same behavior because that’s what they’re geared up to see and that’s what their child responds to. All children – all human beings-seek belonging and connection and even if the strongest connection is a current of negativity, they will subconsciously act out again just to get it!

So how do we undo this vicious cycle we may have created? Figuratively, take a step back from the camera lens in your life and take a look at the big picture. I once heard it said that we take in less than 3% of the information available to us at any one time. So how do we decide what we shall take in at any given moment? The story we have formulated about life; about who we are and who other people are in our life contributes to what we choose to perceive in any given moment.

If you don’t like what you are seeing and experiencing, change your story. What roles are you most attached to and what are your requirements of yourself in each role? Do you focus on your inadequacies in that role? Are you so attached to being a great “Mom” or “Dad” that it is creating havoc in your relationship with your child? If you have stringent requirements for yourself in your role chances are good that there are stringent requirements for the chief secondary players in your story – your children and spouse, or whoever else fills a role of chief secondary player.

Much conflict comes from insisting that the secondary players in our life story play out the role that we assign them. (Perhaps we forgot that they have their own life story!) As we focus on correcting others to suit our role misery presides.

If you’re feeling guilty as you are reading this, let it go! Guilt is just a way we pay for our right to hold onto whatever we feel guilty about. Punishing ourselves (guilt!) pays for the “crime” and gives us the right to keep doing it. Now if you’re feeling guilty about feeling guilty… well you know, let it go!

Turn your attention to what you want to create and stop reacting to what you don’t want. Make it a practice to notice the moments when your relationship with your child is loving and flowing. Feed those moments more juice. Rev them up.

Remember that our greatest strength is likely our greatest weakness. Societal consciousness has trained us to seek out weaknesses. So you’re probably aware of weaknesses (yours, your child’s, and other secondary players in your story). Often what is seen as a “weakness” in a child is viewed differently in an adult. “Stubborn” becomes “persistent;” “lazy” becomes “laid back and relaxed,” being “bossy” turns into “good delegating” - you get the picture. Now instead of putting your attention on the trouble that the trait causes, see if you can find something to appreciate about the flip side of the troublesome trait. Help your child to understand that he can make that trait work for him – if he uses it in the right way under the right circumstances. There is an entertaining story in 9 Ways to Bring Out the Best in You & Your Child that clearly demonstrates how to work with this concept. Basically, the mother helps her “stubborn” child to see his persistence and clear choice of what he wants in life as an asset – IF… “If what Mom?” “IF you learn when to persist and when to let go!” Now the stage is set for learning as the boy wants to know how to make life work for him – we all do

Become more curious about your child’s life story. How does he see himself? Where is he putting his attention in life? Vow to make life more of an adventure and let go of the stringent requirements you’ve set for yourself and others. Give up trying to sculpt the secondary characters to your liking. Let go of the clearly formulated ideas of the parts the players will play and join in the wonder and adventure as you allow your life story – and theirs - to unfold

You are responsible for what you create in your life. Set your intention to bring out the best in you and your child, and then focus your attention on noticing and enjoying it when it’s happening. Ease up on correcting, and focus in on connecting!

Maggie Reigh is an international speaker, parenting coach, and storyteller. She is the author of the book and program 9 Ways to Bring Out the Best in You & Your Child, and and of the family activity package, Taking the Terror Out of Temper Tantrums. She specializes in helping people create joyful, positive, and meaningful relationships and can be contacted through her website: www.maggiereigh.com.

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