The Joy of Caring for an Elder Parent with Dementia. - January 2012

Care giving of an elderly parent can actually be a doorway to personal growth and fulfillment.

By Del Muzzillo

Caring for an elder parent can be very challenging, but it can also become one of our greatest joys in life, and it can also be one of the greatest vehicles of personal growth.

It has been for me, and maybe it can be for you. And it all depends on how we approach it.

Imagine this: You have a parent who can no longer care for themselves. Maybe they are showing signs of dementia. There are options to consider. You have choices to make.

Do you try to keep them at home with increasing home support?  Do you take them out of their home and begin the process of placement into a residential care facility? Do you move them in with you and your family?

Which ever choice you make one thing is certain: One (or more) of you will take part in care-giving for your elderly parent.

Even if you choose the option of moving them into a residential care facility, you will still need to be quite engaged in their daily life. If you want the very best care for your elder, then you will have to provide some of that yourself.  Most, if not all residential care facilities are understaffed. There is no way that each resident gets the amount of care and quality of care that they really need. There just is not enough staffing hours available. That is where a responsible family comes into play. It is up to us to supplement our elder’s care. (And that doesn’t mean a one hour visit, once per week). No matter what route we choose, we are going to be called on to provide at least some care.

Personally I feel that everyone who is able to should take some role in the actual care-giving. However your family chooses to embark on this, someone will undoubtedly take on the role of the primary care-giver.

That person just might be you!

For many people this turn of events is seen as a negative. Often the adult children of an elder are in their 50s through 60s. Maybe we are still working full time. Maybe our business is flourishing and we still have responsibilities. Maybe our children still require our support and guidance. Maybe we are looking at retirement. Maybe we were looking forward to travelling the world or winters in the tropics. For most people this new responsibility often comes at a time when we have other “more important” things that we would normally choose to do.

Regardless of where our life was, it is about to change. Big time!

But rather than seeing this as a burden, as something that has got in the way of what we really “want” to do, maybe it might be in our best interests to look at this in a more positive light.

In fact, if we re-frame this we will find that we are actually entering a phase in our life that can bring us tremendous joy and personal development.

If you were to ask many of the people who have cared for an aging parent, even those with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease, most will tell you that they would not have traded that experience for the world.

How many experiences have you had that you would not have changed for anything in the world?

Yes, that is quite a statement.

I can tell you from personal experience (I am in the midst of caring for an elderly parent with dementia) that not only would I not trade this for the world, but I actually feel quite blessed to be part of this process.

As a result of these past few years of helping care for this elder, the very way I see life and the world around me has changed, for the better.

What a great gift.

Whether this new role turns out to be a joy or a burden can be determined by just how we approach this new challenge.

If we approach it with dread and resentment, then get ready for a long, drawn-out, difficult journey. This type of care-giving does not come without its challenges, at the best of times.

Therefore it is of utmost importance that we step into it in a positive light, right from the very beginning.

On the other hand, if we approach this as a powerful vehicle for personal growth, as a wonderful gift of human connection, and as a rare opportunity to practice unconditional love and kindness, then we cannot help but have a more positive experience.

This is good for us, and it is good for the person we are caring for.

As I spend more and more time with my elderly parent, I am being brought face to face with my own mortality. This has helped me determine clearly what is important in my life, and what things I can let go of.

I am also brought face to face with what really IS important versus what I “think” is important. This in itself is re-shaping my life, and for the better. Again, I feel blessed to have this teaching in front of me on this daily basis. I am in my 50s. I still have many years ahead of me. (Maybe) I know people in their 70s who still have not gotten this lesson. It is unfortunate that they did not get that 20 year head start. But, you can . . .

Because my elderly parent’s memory is quite compromised she spends much of her time in the “here and now”.Now isn’t that interesting: Every great spiritual teacher from every religion that  I have ever encountered, read about, heard about, listened to, studied under, etc. has included as a major part of their teachings; the need to be “here and now”. It is often the core of their teachings.

That is something that our fast paced, multi-tasking society has all but lost.

Yet, an elderly person with dementia can bring us right back to that primal presence that we all strive for. They are, so often, in the moment. Just like a young child. Just like a kitten or a puppy. We love that, don’t we? When you really thing about it, we vicariously find joy in that attention to the present moment that these youngsters display.

Well, we get it all over again with our elders. Whether it is gazing out the window at a sunset, watching ducks in the park, appreciating a flower that has just bloomed, listening to a piece of beautiful music, eating a spoonful of ice cream, and a host of special moments; they remind us to be here and now.

No need to seek out a meditation master. It is here right in front of us, with our elders.

If we are lucky enough, sometimes we can be witness to this person slowly dropping the excess “baggage” that they have been carrying around most of their lives. The disappointments, the past traumas, the resentments, the fears, even some of the neurosis, begin to drop away.

What we are often left with is their true self. How often do we get an opportunity to really be with someone who is expressing their true nature? Again, another powerful teaching.

Now, of course we have to also recognize that there can also be some nasty behaviors that come into play, especially during some of the more advanced stages. But, that is when we get to cultivate our skills in patience and detachment. Obviously, on some level, our elders know that we are there to assist them, protect them from harm, provide love and companionship, keep them healthy and comfortable, and generally give them the best life possible. But, in the fog and confusion that often comes with dementia they might sometimes lose touch with this.

Even if they flare out at us, if we can use this as a valuable teaching moment, we can maintain equanimity. We know that it is not about us. We know they are simply confused. We practice patience. We continue to pour out the love. Now, imagine what our life would be like if we were able to transfer this newly honed skill to ALL of our interactions with people?

That, in itself, could be a transformative teaching that could truly enhance the rest of our lives.

Sometimes we can lucky enough to have an elder who can articulate their appreciation for what we are doing. But, even if they are not able to verbalize this, you can be rest assured that they do indeed appreciate us being there for them.

No matter what, you can trust in that. No matter what.

You notice that I use the term “elder” rather than “senior”.  One of the reasons I do is out of honor. Throughout history our civilization has held their elders in very high esteem. They are viewed as the “wisdom keepers” of that tribe, community, or nation.

It is only in our modern society that we have forgotten that. Especially when an elder gets a diagnosis of dementia (or worse yet, Alzheimer’s) we tend to think that their cognitive impairment negates their ability to still mentor and guide us. Many people, including well meaning family members, actually discount their opinions, ignore their input, and feel that their elder is “too far gone” to be able to contribute anything of meaning.

Nothing could be further from the truth!

No matter what their background, these people still have great wisdom to share with us.

If only we would take the time to listen.

I have met elders who are in the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s disease who still have some pearls of wisdom. And these are people who can barley talk.

So, take the time. Really listen. Solicit their opinions. Ask them about things that they might have some experience or insights on, even if it is from 50-60-70 years ago.

You will be amazed what you can learn.

 Many of these elders re-connect with a child-like sense of wonder. And we can be part of this.

To be witness to this, and more importantly to be a big part of this whole transition is one of the most powerful and potentially joyful experiences that any human being could be blessed with.

If we enter this new role of care giving with the understanding that we have this precious opportunity to: give unconditionally, to serve with love, to honor an elder who has brought us into the world and cared for us (when WE were vulnerable), to share in moments of joy and discovery, to laugh, to cry, to evolve and grow together, to learn from their wisdom, to take heed of their many subtle insights, and to be fully present together; then we cannot help but have the experience of a lifetime. 

The lessons we can learn from this prolonged experience and the personal growth that is possible through this work go beyond anything we can learn through books or dozens of seminars and workshops. This is the real thing.

I certainly would not trade this for anything. I have a feeling that if you too can embrace the joy of care-giving your elder, you will find the same to be true.

May your journey of care-giving for your elderly parent be blessed and full of joy.

Del's Bio: Del Muzzillo has been involved in the wellness industry, the health resort business, and the human potential world for over 35 years. He has served at a leadership level in these areas in Canada as well as three decades in the U.S. He has brought this background into the field of aging and especially in the care of elders. He presently is directing the SENICA Project which aims to reform elder-care with a modern holistic approach. 250-328-8834 - Email